This morning I had time to do a lot of thinking. I laid in bed for a long time listening to music. I went for a run. I came home and read my journal that I keep of messages from church. I spent a lot of time with ME this morning. What I found was completely eye opening.
I know you may be wondering why I’m blabbering on about spending time with myself, but if you know me, you’ll understand when I’m done. I’m currently in a relationship with a man who has such a strong mind that he can be considered controlling and dominant. I guess I should say that I WAS in a relationship since we are on a “break” now. Anyway, as I have done in the past, I let myself go in the relationship and lost my convictions. Rather than take a stand on things that I wanted, I got lost and comfortable in trying to please him. I’ve never been that person that has been brutally honest and outspoken, but I’ve usually managed to get my point across. I don’t want you to get it twisted, I was definitely happy and I knew he would do anything for me. I’m just speaking on my part in how things went south.
Fast forward to this break that we are currently on. It’s only been a couple of days, but it’s been extremely difficult and feels like it’s been years. That’s probably because I’ve been viewing this break as a punishment. I’ve been so concerned with feeling like he’s punishing me by taking away his affection and I’ve been driving myself crazy thinking of what I may have done to push him into someone else’s arms. Today I realized that I should be doing something different.
Rather than viewing this break as a punishment, I should be using it as a time of development and finding myself. I’ve had the opportunity to start focusing on things that I had given up in the relationship, such as my strong relationship with GOD, reading, running, talking with friends, even working on my blog. In my conversations with GOD, myself, and my friends, I’ve also started to realize what I should expect of both myself and my relationship. I need to regain my confidence and produce some fruit, because GOD didn’t build me to break and he didn’t create me to not produce some type of work product. In my relationship, I need to keep in mind that I am already complete and that someone else simply complements me. If he isn’t willing to both challenge me and accept my shortcomings at the same time, then it’s not where I need to be.
I want to close this out by thanking my ex for putting us on this break. It has opened my eyes and helped me regain the person I once was. If we ever get back together, I’ll be a different person. Without challenge and adversity, I can’t celebrate the victory.
3 comments:
Amen!! Imma need you to edit your title so that it correctly spells "change" BUT I am totally feeling this revelation. If you lose yourself in a relationship, that's not you being in a relationship...it's a fake representative of you in a relationship. Being yourself should be a #1 priority and finding someone who loves you for you is key.
Man Paddington, I'm sitting here in tears because I've been in the same position. Listen, NEVER...NEVER...let your relationship change you. Never settle for anything less than what you are...GREATNESS. I've learned that the hard way & am still in search of ME. You're a strong, smart, attractive & pleasant being. Stay that way. Anyone with you should be greatful to have you.
This was refreshing...and revealing. It opened me up to myself. How true it is for many of us. Even in my daily struggles with my partner and I becoming one, I STILL find myself stepping back and having to refocus who I am for me, not who I am in relation to US.
Thanks Bro!
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