Brutal Honesty

They say that honesty is the best policy.  This often holds true, but there are exceptions to every rule.  What about when someone’s feelings are involved.  Now I’m not saying that one shouldn’t be honest, but what I am saying is that there is a way to say things so that you don’t come off looking like an asshole all the time.  The ass-holish type of honesty is what I mean when I say “brutal honesty.”  Way too often people associate this type of honesty with “keeping it real” or “keeping it 100.”  My question: is it really necessary to be like that all the time???

I have several close friends who have adopted the brutally honest approach and I can see the need for it in certain instances, but those instances are few and far in between.  I’ve never been big on the approach because I’m the type that will attempt to spare the other person’s feelings first.  To me, brutal honesty is a bully approach that people cling to in efforts to hide their own insecurities and shortcomings.  They are the first to get upset when someone is brutally honest with them and can’t seem to take what they dish out.  If you are constantly taking the approach of being an asshole to everyone around you, truth or not, nobody will want to be around you, ask you for advice, give you advice, etc.  That sounds like a pretty lonely life to me.

There is a way to be honest with people without the unnecessarily brutal additions.  When someone asks “how does this make me look”, it’s not necessary to say “you look like a fat ass.”  You could have said “I think you should wear something else.”  If someone cooks for you, you don’t have to say “this ish is nasty as hell.”  You can easily just not say anything or make an attempt to eat some of it.  These are just suggested answers, but I think you get the point.

My advice to the brutally honesty: be careful who you’re an asshole to.  You never know how it will come back to bite you.   Like I said before, there are times when brutal honesty may be necessary.  If you’ve tried to be nice several times and the person won’t get the hint, maybe you need to call on the brutal honesty to get the point across.  It should be used as a last resort though. 

My advice to the recipients of constant brutal honesty:  get new friends, lol.  Just kidding.  But learn to take what they say with a grain of salt and don’t let how they say it affect you if you truly believe that there is a message somewhere in their statements.   No need to stress yourself out with other people’s lack of tact.

The Best That Ever Admitted It,

Mr. Insecure

Isolation Brings Change

This morning I had time to do a lot of thinking.  I laid in bed for a long time listening to music.  I went for a run.  I came home and read my journal that I keep of messages from church.  I spent a lot of time with ME this morning.  What I found was completely eye opening.

I know you may be wondering why I’m blabbering on about spending time with myself, but if you know me, you’ll understand when I’m done.  I’m currently in a relationship with a man who has such a strong mind that he can be considered controlling and dominant.  I guess I should say that I WAS in a relationship since we are on a “break” now.  Anyway, as I have done in the past, I let myself go in the relationship and lost my convictions.  Rather than take a stand on things that I wanted, I got lost and comfortable in trying to please him.  I’ve never been that person that has been brutally honest and outspoken, but I’ve usually managed to get my point across.  I don’t want you to get it twisted, I was definitely happy and I knew he would do anything for me.  I’m just speaking on my part in how things went south. 

Fast forward to this break that we are currently on.  It’s only been a couple of days, but it’s been extremely difficult and feels like it’s been years.  That’s probably because I’ve been viewing this break as a punishment.  I’ve been so concerned with feeling like he’s punishing me by taking away his affection and I’ve been driving myself crazy thinking of what I may have done to push him into someone else’s arms.  Today I realized that I should be doing something different.

Rather than viewing this break as a punishment, I should be using it as a time of development and finding myself.  I’ve had the opportunity to start focusing on things that I had given up in the relationship, such as my strong relationship with GOD, reading, running, talking with friends, even working on my blog.  In my conversations with GOD, myself, and my friends, I’ve also started to realize what I should expect of both myself and my relationship.  I need to regain my confidence and produce some fruit, because GOD didn’t build me to break and he didn’t create me to not produce some type of work product.  In my relationship, I need to keep in mind that I am already complete and that someone else simply complements me.  If he isn’t willing to both challenge me and accept my shortcomings at the same time, then it’s not where I need to be.

I want to close this out by thanking my ex for putting us on this break.  It has opened my eyes and helped me regain the person I once was.  If we ever get back together, I’ll be a different person.  Without challenge and adversity, I can’t celebrate the victory.

Stupidity vs. Ride or Die

This is my first blog in a while. I’ve had a lot on my mind so I decided to start writing again. Today I want to talk about that person in a relationship that that stays with someone whether they do right or do wrong. Some would call that person “stupid” but others may call that person “ride or die”. So what is the difference?

To me the difference is unconditional love. That person who is considered the “ride or die” chick / nigga is the one that found this at some point. That person is the one that knows that he will always come back because when the hard times come, you will be there to pick up the pieces. You stay because you decided that you would love that man no matter what he does and support him when no one else will. You believe in him when no one else will. You’ll love him when no one else will. Some people might call you stupid for it, but you don’t care because it’s a feeling only you can feel and you know what the situation is.

Stupidity is a completely different thing. Now I would never call someone stupid for knowing what they want and trying to get it, so don’t take offense, but for those that have never had love (and definitely not unconditional love), they get put in this category. They put up with things that they shouldn’t hoping that one day it will lead to something that never existed in the first place. Personally, I wouldn’t call them stupid because everyone seeks love in their life, but it may just be that they are misguided or mislead.

Love is a crazy thing. It makes people do crazy things. Despite all that, it is an experience that everyone should go through at some point in their life. That experience, whether good or bad, should never be forgotten. Whether you are that “ride or die” or whether people just think you’re stupid, go hard for what you want. Take advice from others, but make your own decision, follow your own path, and live with it. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll hit the jackpot and find someone who loves you back.

Say His Name, Say His Name

One thing I have learned in my spiritual journey is that when you truly need something you have the ability to say GOD's name and he will deliver.  This is not to say that you can ask for anything you want and get it, but you have the heart of an almighty and omnipotent king that will appear in your time of need.  The power can only be tapped if you learn to say his name out loud and tell him what it is that you are in need of for he can come to you in any form.

Recently I have been troubled in my relationships and social interactions with my peers and as usual I questioned why.  I have a tendency to ruin friendships with people or cut them off.  I don't know if it is because of my numerous insecurities or due to something done on their part.  Whatever the case may be, I asked GOD to please allow me a better sense of clarity so that I do not remove people from my life that can help and advance me while keeping the people in my life that are detrimental to my well being and success.  I asked him to deliver and he did.  The question is now "am I ready to handle what I see?"

Since the granting of this clarity, I have lost three close friends in a matter of three days.  One was the love of my life and the other two were mutual friends that I became close with over time.  What hurt the most is that it took one conversation with my ex to turn them completely against me without even knowing the full situation.  Although their loyalty does not lie with me because they knew him first (yes I said him), I have always had their backs through thick and thin and I feel completely betrayed.

The point I'm making with this story is that I asked GOD for clarity and he immediately allowed me to see the snakes in the grass.  When I inquired about who in my life could potentially hurt me, I never would have guessed that it would have been three of my closest friends.  Although I'm hurting right now and don't know how this whole situation will end, I have asked GOD to grant me the strength to handle what I can now see.  I know that he would not place more on me than I can handle and that this is all in preparation for something greater.  I am lonely right now but I am sure that I will be able to draw support from another source just as they all support each other.  I am optimistic that my future social and romantic relationships will be stronger because of this.

The Closer I Get to You

I have started to take what my Pastor says in church to heart and try to apply it to my everyday life.  I am not the most religious person or anything, but I do consider myself to be relatively spiritual.  One topic of discussion that Pastor has presented in church in the last couple weeks has stood out to me and is very visible in my life right now.  Allow me to share my thoughts with you.

The discussion dealt with seasons in life and how they affect you much like they affect the secular world.  During the summer season everything is hot.  It is a time to relax and enjoy yourself, be carefree and rest.  The people you meet during this time are at their best and very passionate about forming bonds.  Moving into fall season, you prepare to enter a time of harvest and saving.  You start to wind down from the highs of summer as you prepare yourself for the cold that potentially lies ahead.  Winter is a season where everything dies.  It is the complete opposite of summer.  It can be cold and lonely at times and you may often struggle to find any shred of warmth in your soul.  What comes after winter is spring.  The time of renewal.  The losses of winter start to become obsolete as the beauty of spring makes things better than they were before and renew your spirit.

I am definitely in my winter season right now.  I am in heavy financial debt that appears impossible to get out of, I have lost the love of my life (not to the after life but to the pressures of society), I have lost other close friends, and ultimately I am continuously losing my sanity.  What is overlooked about winter; however, is its beauty.  Like the beauty of nature after a heavy snowfall, white and pure, someone sees your struggles and finds beautiful admiration in your ability to survive.  It is when you lose everything and everything around you dies that you ultimately become closer to GOD because you have no one else to turn to.  It is during the winter season that you truly find YOURSELF.  

I am now in a position to say that I am thankful to be going through my winter season.  I am thankful that I have re-discovered a strong relationship with GOD and those around me who I still consider to be friends.  Without this winter season, I wouldn't be able to look forward to spring and the new blessings that lie ahead of me.